Monday, November 9, 2009

Whoreocope 11-9 to 11-16

Aries - March 21- April 19th
            Your work place will be filled with insolence this week. Combat your urge to be kind and let loose. That guy you see in the elevator every day needs a swift kick in the pants, and the lady that doesn't clean out the coffee pot has it coming. Your bold behavior will help you achieve your goals.

Taurus - April 20th - May 20
               A thoughtful greeting card may be found in your mailbox one day this week. That, or you'll swallow a tiny bit of toothpaste and freak out because you think you poisoned yourself.

Gemini - May 21 - June 20
                Your computer will give you major issues with auto formatting this week. You'll yell and scream incessantly, but nothing will work. That document has a mind of it's own, and it will take a while to fix. Be patient; listen to some Boz Scaggs and have a donut, things will work out.

Cancer - June 21 - July 22
               Grievances with bank tellers will cause you to use ATMs a lot more this week. Be wary of leaving receipts in the machine, your identity is in danger. Someone may claim to be you and stack up huge debts in the cock fighting community. Friday could bring an unwelcome visit from Juan Kneecaps if you're not careful.

Leo - July 23 - August 22
         Your ability to quote lines from "Married to the Mob" will earn you great respect this week. When someone says to you, "I loved you like a father," you can tell them, "you disappointed the shit out of me." For some unknown reason, the person with whom you exchange this conversation will have seen that movie, too.
          
Virgo - August 23 - September 22
           Something this week will remind you of the Bill Withers tune, "Who is he, and what is he to you?" For days, you'll think about that song more than anything else. By the end of the week, Bill Withers will come up again and you will be able to put the song out of your mind. There will be sunshine when it's gone.

Libra - September 23 - October 22
            Modern fashion will confuse you highly until Thursday, when you will gain some sense and buy a cardigan in preparation for the deep, harsh Winter that draws ever closer. Simplify all choices this week. In fact, call in to work on Friday; give your self three straight days to break in your new sweater.

Scorpio - October 23 - November 21
                Find time to experiment with model railroading this week. It won't benefit you in any way, but do it. You'll know why somewhere between Havre de Grace and Bethlehem on the B&O.


Sagitarius - November 22 - December 21
                    Communism will be all the rage for you this week. Wear lots of reds, carry a soapbox with you, and preach the Marxist gospel every day this week. Get ready for next week, when you totally drop the idea and right it off as just an interesting theory, but not an actual good idea.

Capricorn - December 22 - January 19
                    Competitive eating is something you should try. You've been eating a lot recently, and could probably be successful at eating certain foods within a certain amount of time. I mean, it took you two days to dust off a box of Ho-Ho's and three pounds of beef jerky, so eating competitions could be a way for your busted fat ass to win some free crap, like t-shirts and more food. Make sure the places have sizes 4XL and up. By the way, I loved you in "Free Willy."

Aquarius - January 20 - February 18
                  Making fun of peoples' weight will bring you great harm this week. If you must resort to insulting people, concentrate on hygiene. As a precaution, buy a new deodorant this week, one with a distinct scent. That way, when you tell people they smell like poop, you can say it with confidence.

Pisces - February 19 - March 20
              If you're a Pisces logger in the state of Michigan, practice extreme care when changing your baby's diapers on Tuesday. On Friday, get plastered at a hotel bar in Lansing.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Wreckmanac Weekly Whoreoscope Wolume Won

Aries - March 21- April 19th
             Your week will begin with a random thought obtained while looking for socks. Do not misconstrue it to be meaningful; it will be of no consequence. The sock choice you make will be vital to the rest of your week. Choose wisely. 


Taurus - April 20th - May 20
               This week poses no serious threats to Taurus, looks like smooth sailing. Oh, but stay inside all day Tuesday. Trust me.

Gemini - May 21 - June 20
              
A friend will turn you on to a new web site, which will in turn, cause you to discover another site which turns you on. Be careful with cutlery this week; your issues with dexterity may not be resolved until the week ends.

Cancer - June 21 - July 22
               Monetary restrictions aside, your week will be filled with chances to go out and do whatever you please. Take advantages of these, you shut-in. You have no more excuses, and your friends are considering severing ties with you. 


Leo - July 23 - August 22
          
A sale on flavored creamers will make your day on Thursday. Friday you should get drunk as possible and tell everyone how great that grocery store is. Saturday will bring headaches and good tasting coffee.

Virgo - August 23 - September 22
            
Beware of Leos this week. Sometime at the end of the week, they're going to get up in your face about prices on flavored creamers at their local grocery store. Tune them out and ignore them. They believe everything they read, and frankly, you don't have time for that shit about creamers.

Libra - September 23 - October 22
            A deep, unquenchable craving for chipped beef and white gravy will smack you over the head by midday Wednesday. An adventure at a credenza or desk like surface is not of the question. When someone asks you for the time, give it to them; it will save their life.


Scorpio - October 23 - November 21
                While your mind is on pumpkin carving and costumes, you should really be thinking about the growing problem your neighbor is having with rodents. It's been raining a lot recently, so those suckers are looking for dry land. Are you equipped to defend yourself? Put down the pumpkin and buy a non killing solution to your imminent problem. 



Sagitarius - November 22 - December 21
                    Don't even sneeze this week, someone will be watching you at all times. From a van. With binoculars.

Capricorn - December 22 - January 19
                    Keep your mouth shut it matters involving love. Talk all you want about your friends, now is a good time to make up some shit about them and spread that nasty rumor you've been keeping in your pocket. The nastier the better, really, don't hold back. Capricorns should also wait on buying any new electronics this week.


Aquarius - January 20 - February 18
                  Take time to study something new this week. Your brain is trapped right now and needs an outlet. Physical activities should be eliminated this week, and potato chip intake should greatly increase. Your alcohol level has been very low as well, so you should address that before the moon shifts to it's second phase. Be kind to strangers, as well.

Pisces - February 19 - March 20
              Keep a pen and paper by your bed all week. One night this week you will remember the name of that kid from that movie with that other guy from Top Gun. No, not Goose, you know, the dude who quit. That guy. His name will be important in a conversation later in the week. Knowing the answer will greatly improve your chance for success!