Whoreocope 11-9 to 11-16

Aries - March 21- April 19th

            Your work place will be filled with insolence this week. Combat your urge to be kind and let loose. That guy you see in the elevator every day needs a swift kick in the pants, and the lady that doesn't clean out the coffee pot has it coming. Your bold behavior will help you achieve your goals.

Taurus - April 20th - May 20

               A thoughtful greeting card may be found in your mailbox one day this week. That, or you'll swallow a tiny bit of toothpaste and freak out because you think you poisoned yourself.

Gemini - May 21 - June 20
                Your computer will give you major issues with auto formatting this week. You'll yell and scream incessantly, but nothing will work. That document has a mind of it's own, and it will take a while to fix. Be patient; listen to some Boz Scaggs and have a donut, things will work out.

Cancer - June 21 - July 22

               Grievances with bank tellers will cause you to use ATMs a lot more this week. Be wary of leaving receipts in the machine, your identity is in danger. Someone may claim to be you and stack up huge debts in the cock fighting community. Friday could bring an unwelcome visit from Juan Kneecaps if you're not careful.

Leo - July 23 - August 22

         Your ability to quote lines from "Married to the Mob" will earn you great respect this week. When someone says to you, "I loved you like a father," you can tell them, "you disappointed the shit out of me." For some unknown reason, the person with whom you exchange this conversation will have seen that movie, too.
          

Virgo - August 23 - September 22
           Something this week will remind you of the Bill Withers tune, "Who is he, and what is he to you?" For days, you'll think about that song more than anything else. By the end of the week, Bill Withers will come up again and you will be able to put the song out of your mind. There will be sunshine when it's gone.

Libra - September 23 - October 22

            Modern fashion will confuse you highly until Thursday, when you will gain some sense and buy a cardigan in preparation for the deep, harsh Winter that draws ever closer. Simplify all choices this week. In fact, call in to work on Friday; give your self three straight days to break in your new sweater.

Scorpio - October 23 - November 21

                Find time to experiment with model railroading this week. It won't benefit you in any way, but do it. You'll know why somewhere between Havre de Grace and Bethlehem on the B&O.

Sagitarius - November 22 - December 21

                    Communism will be all the rage for you this week. Wear lots of reds, carry a soapbox with you, and preach the Marxist gospel every day this week. Get ready for next week, when you totally drop the idea and right it off as just an interesting theory, but not an actual good idea.

Capricorn - December 22 - January 19

                    Competitive eating is something you should try. You've been eating a lot recently, and could probably be successful at eating certain foods within a certain amount of time. I mean, it took you two days to dust off a box of Ho-Ho's and three pounds of beef jerky, so eating competitions could be a way for your busted fat ass to win some free crap, like t-shirts and more food. Make sure the places have sizes 4XL and up. By the way, I loved you in "Free Willy."

Aquarius - January 20 - February 18

                  Making fun of peoples' weight will bring you great harm this week. If you must resort to insulting people, concentrate on hygiene. As a precaution, buy a new deodorant this week, one with a distinct scent. That way, when you tell people they smell like poop, you can say it with confidence.

Pisces - February 19 - March 20

              If you're a Pisces logger in the state of Michigan, practice extreme care when changing your baby's diapers on Tuesday. On Friday, get plastered at a hotel bar in Lansing.